Listening and Seeing

I had a moment of clarity yesterday.  In Sacrament Meeting, as I listened to the hymn and watched my three children coloring with crayons, I felt very calm and happy.  It was like things came into focus, literally, and I could see each of my children more clearly.  I rubbed Canon's back a little and felt in my mind the words, "This is where I am supposed to be."    

Not good

I'm a big pregnant jerk.  I'm just overflowing with grumpiness and it's spilling over onto those around me.  This morning's victim was Benjamin.  He's probably thrilled to be at work now, surrounded by men.

Keller wants me to hold him all the time lately.  I can't.  And I can't just be ok with him climbing all over my stomach, elbowing the baby.  But still he follows me from room to room, and I have to tell him no again and again.  It makes me feel like a big pregnant jerk.

Today I am going to try to work on laundry and maybe make the dessert that Canon requested.  There are a lot of "To Do"s bouncing around in my head.  Mostly, though, I think I should just focus on not biting anyone else's head of.  I'll still be big and pregnant, but maybe less of a jerk.

Fake Labor Story

It was almost time to pick up the kids from school and I was kinda dreading it.  It's just a lot of work for me, physically.  Keller and I needed our shoes on, but as I set Keller on the couch to begin, he got mad.  Don't really understand why, but he decided it was a really good time for a tantrum.  So I left him to get my own jacket and footwear.  Time was ticking, though, so I had to get him ready.  If it wasn't so freezing outside I would have just left him barefooted.  Bummer.

So I wrestled a crying, kicking Keller into the van.  As I buckled him into his seat, a really painful contraction took my breath away and I had to stop for a minute.  I closed his door and hobbled over to my side.  The two minute drive to the Elementary was fine, Keller sucked on his binky and calmed down.  We found a parking spot and I turned off the engine.  But trying to get the stroller out of the trunk was tough, my stomach hurt, and I needed to use the bathroom.

The wind blew my scarf off.  I bent down to pick it up and felt another sharp ache.  There's no way I'm going into labor right now, I thought.  My cell phone wasn't even charged.

Kel and I made it inside, slowly, and I signed Canon out of his pre-K class.  His teacher looked concerned; she's a really sweet lady and she always notices how I'm feeling.  She offered to get Taesya from her class, while Canon's other teacher stayed with the class.  I sat on the rotunda steps and breathed as deeply as I could.  Keller was strapped into his stroller and Canon stayed by me.  When Sini (Canon's teacher) returned with Tae, I asked her if she could call Ben.

It was the craziest situation and there were kids everywhere, but I did my best to just handle the contractions.  "When are we going home?" Canon asked.  "Soon, buddy," I replied.  Oh man, I wanted to get out of there so bad.  I mean, who goes into labor at their kids' school?!?  It felt like forever, but finally Benny came...

*This story is fictional.  While I'm waiting for Jovie to come, I imagine up all kinds of labor situations (not on purpose) and I thought maybe I'd write them up.*

*Update: I wrote this right before I went to pick up the kids for real and it made things seem so much easier than they usually are.  I guess if something in life is hard, but then you picture yourself doing that thing while in labor, it makes real life seem like a piece of cake.  Interesting.*

Just a letter

Dear Jovie,

Hey, remember me?  I'm that voice you hear all day.  I know usually I'm telling your siblings to stop being naughty, or I'm complaining about the mess, or telling Daddy how much things hurt.  But I hope you hear those times when I'm being nice, too.  I'm a nice mommy, I promise.  I love everyone in this family and I will love you so much, too.

Is it cozy in there?  Are you warm and snug?  I don't want to make you leave somewhere comfortable; I know how rare a feeling that can be.  But I sure am excited to see you.  And I know Daddy wants his turn to hold his little girl.  Being pregnant has been hard on the both of us, but we really try to think of what a beautiful baby you will be.  Having you in our arms will be the greatest thing.

You have a big sister and two big brothers.  They're really fun kids, once you get used to how noisy they are.  But hey, you've been listening to them for months now, so you should be fine.  They give lots of hugs and kisses; that's just the way we are in this family.  You get to sleep in Taesya's room and hopefully you two girls will become very good friends.

I love you, Jovie.  I'm doing my best taking care of you.  I sure would like to see you, though.  As soon as you're ready; the very second that you are.  You're going to be a very special member of this family and you will do great things on this earth.  I can tell already that you're a blessing, that you will touch lives.  I can't wait to see all you will become, my sweet little Jovie.

Momma loves you so much,
XOXO

I am Strong

I am strong and brave and I can get through tough times.  What are you?