2 Timothy 1:7

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

My husband, Ben, has been doing freelance graphic design work for a while now.  Mostly just at night and when he can squeeze it in.  About a month ago, though, his side-job became his full-time job.  We are officially self-employed.

He works from home in our "office" without a door.  It's been tough at times to get used to.  But since Monday I've been seeing a glimmer of hope.  Financially we so do not have things figured out; Logistically, though, and emotionally, I think we're going to be ok.  I think this phase of life will be good for us and that we can grow closer as we spend this time together.  Ben's already really grateful that he gets to see Keller learning to walk, rather than just hearing about it from me.

I'm so proud of Ben for his talent and his work ethic.  When we got engaged, the idea of going into graphic design was pretty undefined and fuzzy to both of us.  Design has become his passion now, and thanks to his his education and various job experiences, he's at a point where he can feel confident (well, fairly confident) as an independent graphic designer.

I love Ben.  And it feels so good to transition a little bit from fear to faith.  We're going to be ok.

Templated trouble

Hmm... how do I use that "About" tab up there?  Is it just for decoration?  Help, someone who knows CSS!  Oh wait, Ben knows code.  Maybe tonight he can help....

And six years later...

Six years ago a freezing cold bride promised a red-haired college kid that she would love him forever.  If they were being honest, they would admit that really they didn't know each other very well.  And they were taking a giant leap of faith to connect their lives like that. The faith wasn't blind, though, because the bride and the college kid knew their Heavenly Father would be there, too.  This marriage would be a team effort and it felt right.

Years passed.
Jobs changed.
They moved.  A lot.
3 babies came.
One baby didn't come.
Money ran out over and over again.
Cars were sold.
Diapers were dirtied.

And the couple survived it all.  They held on to each other and prayed and cried; they became stronger as the years went by.  They laughed at silly things, danced in small apartments, and took a lot of risks - always together.

Today it is our 6 year Anniversary and I love that red-haired guy so much more than I could have imagined.  I fell in love with that light that he possesses; I saw that genuine kindness he shows everyone he meets.  He is a good good man who would do anything for our family. And I'm going to hug him and kiss him and follow him through eternity.  I love you so so much, Benjamin.  Happy Anniversary.

Happy Family

Canon has just started drawing faces!  He's 3 years old and has never shown any interest in even drawing a circle or a straight line - now this.  I'm super excited.  We color, draw, paint, and create a lot in our home; art is one of the things I really enjoy about being a stay-at-home mommy.  So when Canon draws something that I can recognize, I am overjoyed.  So here are the pictures of our family that he drew today.  My little budding artist son.  :)

Ha

Keller is trying to lick the numbers on our VCR but he keeps bumping his chubby face on the edge of the shelf.  It's hilarious.  But he's determined.

Almond Joy Mix

If you plan to go on a hike, you should be prepared.  Bring an extra layer in case of cold, more water than you think you'll need, matches, extra socks, a map or compass, and definitely bring GORP.  (I learned this in my 1 credit class that I took.)  GORP stands for good old raisins and peanuts; so basically it's a mix of whatever snacky thing you can pack in a ziploc bag. I'm an old fashioned trail mix lover, myself.

My hiking class has inspired me to snack on all kinds of mixed up things and my favorite is the almond joy mix that I've concocted.  Pretty easy combination: sweetened and flaked coconut + slivered almonds + semi-sweet chocolate chips.  It's more of a treat type snack, and I can't tell ya how many points it's worth or anything, but mmm-mm, it's good stuff.  Sometimes you just feel like a nut.

Proud

On Friday, I graduated with my AA from Weber State University.  And it was a really wonderful day.  I felt proud of the work that I had put in to achieve that goal.  Seeing my kids, husband, and parents waving and smiling at me felt good, too.  The ceremony had some really good speakers that encouraged each graduate to make a difference in the world.  I felt inspired and I hope to hang on to that feeling.  I do have the power to make the world a better place, even if my influence is small.  I am capable of so much with my Heavenly Father's help.  It was a wonderful day, like I said, and I really hope this accomplishment and the way I felt that day can stay with me for a long time.

P.S.  That picture is so true to life.  Look at Canon's sneaky little face - ha!

Kindred Spirits

There are some people who I've bumped into in life who just click with the way I think. Do you have people like that? I've had one or two in each place that I've lived. Age, life circumstance, and even language make no difference. Their spirit is a good fit for yours. They are rare and special, they can say more eloquently what you are already feeling. My mom recommended this blog to me to read; I sort of glanced at it and brushed it off as not my type. I don't home school my children or read conference talks too often... but I saved the address and checked it out again. And - - - she's great, the end. Check it out. Diapers and Divinity gives me that feeling that I'm in a special club of mothers. Even if we don't actually talk to each other, we all understand what it's like. How can I read someone else's words and feel so validated, appreciated, known? Kindred spirits, I tell ya.

A light dusting of snow on the walks

The kids are asleep and I'm trying to "tidy up" the family room. Sounds like an old fashioned term but it's the one we use around here. We've established, in our family, that putting away toys isn't actually cleaning anything; truly, it's rare that we ever get past the tidying phase into the cleaning one. Mainly we pick up the same toys over and over and over, every day of our lives.

I've gotten most of the junk off the floor and I'm now on to vacuuming. Yes, I am afraid of waking up the baby, but if you could see my carpet now, you would understand that it poses more of a health risk to Keller than an incomplete night of sleep. I run my hand along the carpet under the couch and find so much garbage, paper, cereal. My children are like little confetti machines, covering every inch of the house. It took me several rounds of tidying then sighing before I could get out the vacuum.

Boy, I'm sure this is exciting to read.

At the end of this day, my thoughts are: I can either feel crappy about the messy family room, or I can try to make it better. I can either curse the snow as I head out to pick up my preschooler, or put on my snow boots. I can wait until I have time to buy construction paper for the Christmas Count-down chain, or I can join my kids in coloring white paper with crayons. Life's full of bummers and redundancies, but I have choices. That's awesome.

"Family" by Taesya Fe, age 4

Benny is thankful for:

Amber,
Our house,
My pillow,
Food,
My clothes,
My family,
My health,
Cheese,
Kiwi,
and Eggnog.

Canon is thankful for:

Santa Claus,
Dad,
Taesya,
Keller,
Grandma,
Grandpa,
Play basketball,
Play football,
Play baseball,
Play skateboard,
Steak.

Taesya is thankful for:

Playing with somebody who's nice,
playing with grandma,
Swinging on the swings,
Ponies and Dolls,
My unicorn,
Playing with my dad,
Playing with grandma Debbie,
playing with everybody in my family,
Canon and Dad and Mom and myself.
I am thankful for Keller.

Day of Thanks

People have been sick, I'm scrambling to finish up my projects for the end of Semester, and Ben's new business is mostly busy-ness right now. So I was making Jell-O and thinking, "I don't have much to be thankful for today..."

Then I thought, "What?!? Are you kidding?"

I have a ton to be thankful for: I have a husband that loves me and works hard to provide for us, I have three beautiful loving children, I have a home, clothes to wear, heat, and food in the refrigerator. I have a loving family in Utah, Arizona, New York, and Canada. I have friends from a long time ago that still send me love, and new friends that live right in my neighborhood. I have a body that can run and jump, taste yummy things, and feel a hug or kiss. I'm grateful for music, and crunchy leaves, and photos--I have SO much in my life--SO many blessings.

Happy Thanksgiving to anyone who reads this. And don't let today be your deadline for saying thanks. Today is a great reminder of all that we have to be grateful for. Love and Thanks to you all for supporting me.

Canon's portrait session

I have started trying to take some of our "formal" pictures on my own. I have a long way to go, but I'm practicing. So I spent some time in Murray park taking portraits of Canon. It was a beautiful day there, but only one photo really turned out the way I wanted. So here it is.

And I thought I'd also throw in an example of how challenging it can be to get a normal/nice photo of my three-year-old son.

Halloween

I thought about labeling these photos, but then thought, "If I really have to tell people that I was dressed as a witch, our costumes must not have been as well done as I thought they were." So if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

We had a great Halloween this year, even though it has taken us almost a month to develop the photos. On Halloween we carved pumpkins and decorated sugar cookies, which just about gave Ben a heart attack. (If he was raising these kids alone, they would never dig in the dirt or paint, either.) That night we visited mis padres and went trick-or-treating in Kaysville; can't really get any better than that! Keller sucked on a sucker while Tae ran from door to door. Canon wore out after 20 minutes or so and then rode in the wagon. It was my favorite Halloween of my married life.

We all can't wait to do it again; holidays are a huge deal to my children. The kids have already made their choices for next year's costumes, except for Keller, he's undecided. Happy Belated Halloween!

Mon night

I don't want to write a paper. I want to watch tv and go to bed.

Chester

Twice in the past month, one of my children has come in from the front yard smelling unpleasant. Like dog poo. So I sniff around and sure enough, somebody stepped in some.

I really really want a dog. My whole family reading this is now saying, "Why!?!" and Kalie probably is, too. But call me crazy, I want a dog.

This smell issue has seriously put a damper on my plans. I have taken poop into consideration, but without the specific odor near you, thinking of cleaning up after an animal sounds ok. With the odor--oh man, having a dog is going to be a tough one. And they never get potty trained either, so the smell is a lifelong commitment.

Of course, if I have to deal with dog poop without even owning a dog, I might as well get one and enjoy some benefits along with the mess. (I've actually walked through the pet food aisle of the grocery store to start getting a feel for being a pet owner. I'm a dork, right.) So to sum up: Smell bad, dogs good, still want a dog.

Oh, the pain

Kel's teething today (we're almost sure) and it has the whole family a little on edge. He's been crying for the greater part of the day. Won't sleep, won't eat much, wants to be held, then not held... I am frazzled. Plus this is day four of my non-stop headache. Our home is in need of a miracle, a small one, but a miracle nonetheless. I'd settle for the appearance of a tooth, and my baby smiling again. At the risk of sounding dramatic, the only phrase that comes to mind is: Wo is me.

Keller Beller

Ooh, I love that baby.

Teachers who do not appreciate thought

I'm in the computer lab during my "Creative Writing" class. We get a five minute break each week. Currently my thoughts are on the way my professor fights against opinion. She sure does not encourage us to think for ourselves, which I find ironic in Creative Writing. Big sigh.

We read a poem together and she asked our interpretation. What a mistake for me to think she'd actually want to hear from us. All of our imput was incorrect; only her view was accurate. That bothers me. I am counting down the weeks in this soul-squashing course.

Back to class. Super excited. (And you can interpret that in any way you choose.) Sending a wish out into the universe that somewhere a teacher is nourishing the minds of her students. ~ ~ ~ Those are wish marks... :)

Stealing pics from Mom

Had to post this picture for all to see. I love these two guys (not JUST these two guys, I love my brothers and hubby and other son, etc) so much. This photo is great because we are all second children and we all have birthdays in October. I've always thought that was a cool turn of events. I stole the pic from my mama's facebook; thank goodness that other's take digital photos! October is gone and I will miss it so.

P.S. My dad is 49, I am 25, and Canon is 3.

File Sharing

I have two favorite chicken recipes that I would like to share. They are both so delicious, but much better fresh, not as left-overs. Give 'em a try!


From Taste of Home: The Spinach Chicken Roll


From Cooking for Two: Crispy Onion Chicken

Also, I want to publish that Fiber One has some really great products lately. We really like their blueberry muffins and their flaky cereal (with bananas or raisins added.) Warning, though: don't eat too much fiber over the course of several days.... Or you'll find out why.

They have a great website, for a cereal brand anyways. Happy eating!

Ballad

Teach said write a ballad: 4 stanzas, 4 lines each, a story that ends tragically, iambic, rhyming, 8 beats 6 beats 8 beats 6 beats. Here's my poem:

December 18, 2007

I told him, “Ben I’m pregnant, babe.”
His eyes just glowed with joy.
We’d tried so long to have this child,
Our second girl or boy.

We told our friends, our parents, start-
ed thinking of a name.
This baby stuff we knew by heart:
We planned on all the same.

I called him at his office. Said,
“I’m worried something’s wrong.
My stomach hurts; I’m bleeding, too.
I think the baby’s gone.”

She told us, “There’s no heartbeat.” Shock
Subsided and we cried.
He said he’d never heard such sobs
As when our baby died.

Gimmee a Break

Starting today, I hereby give myself permission to forget things, and lose things, and not beat myself up about it. It is entirely too much to expect of myself to think that I can remember everything and know where everything is. With such impossible standards, I am bound to fail and to feel like a failure. So the bar has been lowered. I'm human and am now allowed to be imperfect.

So if my brain is full of a list, and the list gets lost - no one will die; I am ok. And if I still have no idea where our park blanket has gone, I will take a deep breath and realize that the world is still turning. I am off the hook, free to forget, and no longer under intense pressure. Sometimes I expect WAY too much of myself. I'd rather feel WAY better about myself.

I'm responsible and smart, pretty organized, and I have a good memory. But I do forget things and lose things - s'ok!

Birthday birthday - Coming to Earth day

Good good birthday:

Finished my paper this morning.
Donated blood for the first time.
Picked out a really cute coat with my mama.
Lunch with parents at the Olive Garden - Yumma.
Taesya made me a birthday card at preschool.
Lots of calls and shout outs from great people.
Nap in my bed.
Dancing to a new CD with my kiddos and Ben.
Delicioso bday cake (I picked Lemon Creme, by the way.)
Ben did all the cooking today.

Just lots of smiles all around - Good Times, people. I love birthdays.

Aaaghh!

It's 10 o'clock at night and I just got home from class. I'm looking through the piles of paper strewn about our desk, and suddenly realizing the many things I have forgotten to do. Ben's on the computer most of the time lately (now that he is working from home) and I don't really get a chance to (a) put receipts into the checkbook, (b) pay the citation I received for having a headlight out, (c) file the "This is not a Bill" papers I get from Select Health, (d) fill out a new health insurance application before the month runs out, (e) return emails to people.... Aaaghh!

It's not really the best time to make mental lists and stress, right? So I'm going to tell my brain to chill and go get my pajamas on. I have a paper to write, bright and early tomorrow morning; I need my rest. If a brain really had enough going on at one time, could it cause damage? I know explosion probably isn't realistic, but I do worry that I might bruise my short-term memory or something. Anyways, it's late and I may not be making sense.....

Big big sigh.

Falling

At the farmer's market the other day, I picked this beautiful print from a local photographer. Ben bought it for me for my birthday--don't worry, i'm not cheating, it's waiting in the closet until the actual day. I just fell in love because it's so simple and so Fall. Mmmm.

Check out NekoPhoto.com - He is a talented guy.

Someday you'll all being buying photos from me! A girl can dream, right?

Health Insurance Drama

DE-nied by Select Health because of my postpartum depression. They automatically deny new applications for anyone with an unresolved condition. So until I'm off medication and done going to therapy, I am a liability. Are we the only people who think this is wrong?

So we called Regence and odds look better there. Send another application, make a billion phone calls, and wait - hopefully to be accepted this time. It's a weird feeling to have someone tell me that they will accept my husband and my children but not me, because of something that was never my fault. I didn't choose to be sick.

Feeling a huge sense of injustice this morning.

Lost in Translation

We were driving through the mess of construction up in Sugarhouse today. I was getting annoyed and wondering how many more orange cones the earth can really hold, when Canon randomly shouted, "Taking drugs!"

What?! I thought to myself, Where in the world did he hear that?

Following the blinking lighted arrows to merge onto I-80, I was really perplexed by Canon's enthusiastic outburst. But slowly the translation became clear, Canon hadn't been talking about drugs at all. He had been excited about the "Digging trucks!" Boy I felt silly - Sigh of relief and a little bit of laughter.

Growing pains

Taesya says school was "kind of bad" today "because the other kids wouldn't play with" her. So she was sad and "teacher Sini talked to me when I was sad." "But I was still sad," she sad. :(

It's hard to know that I can't make the other kids play with Tae. She's such a great girl, I want to tell them. But my girl is growing up and she has to face these things on her own. I'm glad her teacher was there to help. But her little story was tough for me to hear.

Another person I'd really like to stick up for is Ben. His last employer owes us a bunch of money and I don't really see that money showing up any time soon. Ben's trying to figure out how to deal with the whole thing in a positive way, while I'd just rather call the guy up and yell at him. Yeah, my office skills are a little rusty. I can't solve this for Ben, I can just support him along the way. Life is tough, people.

All you need is Love

Conference has been amazing. It was really what our family needed: a special time to focus on spiritual things. Lately I have been asking Heavenly Father to help our family to grow closer to Him, and to help us feel his influence more fully in our lives. I feel like this is happening for us and it makes me so glad. Feeling the presence of the Spirit lifts me up, and lets me know that hard things have an end, and that we are not alone.

Today I feel so grateful for my husband and my children. Being a parent is grueling at times, but I love those kids so much. We are buddies, and partners, and loveys, and sometimes I almost squeeze them to death because they are so adorable. They are growing up too fast; I will really miss it when Keller stops talking baby jabber. We have such great conversations together. And we discovered in the car yesterday that Taesya knows how to add (don't ask ME, I so did not teach her that). She told us that 4 and 5 make 9, and that 5 and 5 make 10. We were shocked! Slow down, Tae, stay little for a bit longer. Canon's maturing as well; he rolled his eyes at Ben today. Where on earth did he learn that from? (Ok, that one was probably me.)

Scrolling through photos today, I found the ones from the day Keller was born. It melted my heart to look at that little face and realize how much he's grown. That's my baby, and I want him to stay a baby. So I looked up the other two; those three little people are so much a part of who I am. They are 90% of my thoughts, 98% of my day, and an unremovable portion of my heart. I love the people that they are; I see all the good that they have in them. And when they tell me that they love me, regardless of whatever I've done wrong that day, and they snuggle up next to me--I feel so content and fulfilled. Being a mother can be remarkable sometimes. I have Heavenly Father to thank.

Taesya - April 2005

Canon - October 2006

Keller - January 2009

Better

Today is going really well. It's a good mix of chores, playing, exercise, and going with the flow. I love my kids.

Invisible Mother

(I read this a long time ago and saved it on my computer. It's a great analogy for me to think about.)

"It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the
phone?' Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.' I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was Almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a Disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women."

Rain and Pain

The kids and I are hibernating because we all have colds. Being stuffy is lame.

I'm worrying about money today, since it's the end of the month. Hoping that Ben comes home with a paycheck. Money is my least favorite thing to worry about. What is my favorite thing to worry about? Well, I guess I don't really love worrying about anything. Hmm.

We're trying to get an individual health plan; this is an unpleasant experience so far. These things should seriously be a lot less complicated. Maybe after another 20 calls to Select Health, I will have made a bit of progress.

So today is kind of a lame rainy pain-y day. Trying a new recipe tonight, something about Chicken and thinly sliced zucchini... We'll see.

Thank you!

The vote was unanimous (Ben liked that one, too) and I will be turning in Poem #1. I don't have a title yet, though. Hmmm. Thank you to all of you for the help. I was so pleased to see the comments rolling in. Now we'll see what my teacher thinks.... dun dun dun. ;)

Urgent - I need Imput!

I'm supposed to write a free verse poem for my Creative Writing class. I chose to use the way I felt when we first moved to Glendale, an area of Salt Lake City. Compared to Kaysville, Salt Lake seemed super scary. So my imagination ran wild sometimes. Anyways, so I've written two poems, and I really don't feel super confident about either. I like what I am trying to convey (I'm not scared of Glendale anymore, by the way) but I don't know if I put it on paper well.

Please read the poems and give me some comments. Do you like one of them more than the other? Why? What parts did you like or dislike? My class is Monday night, so I'm just scrambling for advice. Thanks in advance. Writing for a grade is intense.

Poem #1

At night
I hear a car driving by.
Drive by?
He is going fast and loud,
And my shoulders feel tight.
So I see
An explosion of glass,
Covering the room;
And I hear
Pop pop of a gun outside,
My child cries for me,
Tires squeal away.
I step away from the window,
The large square pane still whole.
I touch the glass and it’s cold.
I pray a little.

Near noon
I hear a siren.
Does it sound close?
It echoes down the swamp cooler
Into my home.
Into my home?
The wail gets fast and loud,
And my neck feels tense.
So I see
A rough-faced man,
Running toward my home.
And I hear
His heavy breathing,
The door hitting the wall,
Hushed urgency.
I run to the front door,
The heavy painted wood stands closed.
I lock it once, twice,
And I close the curtains tight.

Poem #2

If I hear a car at night,
Driving loud and fast near my home,
Full of people I have never met,
I assume the worst:
It’s a gang,
A drive-by
They are going to shoot us.
In my brain I can hear
Them laughing,
Shooting a gun,
Exploding the glass in my front window.
I feel very tight,
Like if I just hold my breath
Maybe they will pass us by.
I check the window;
The pane is cold but whole.
This time it wasn’t me.

Every siren that I hear,
Echoing down the swamp cooler,
Weaving in and out of my ear,
Means someone is in trouble.
I feel the trouble coming:
A criminal,
Running from the police,
Into my home.
And I can see
His darkened eyes,
The gun in his hand,
My fear
And the tremble of my children.
I run to lock the door
Both locks
And I carefully glance through the peep hole.
No one is coming today.

I heard that a neighbor lost two dogs
In the middle of the night,
Pure bread bloodhounds,
Who haven’t come back.
There’s graffiti on the elementary school wall,
Letters that I don’t understand,
Put there by someone I have never met.
But we’ve been here for a year
And it still hasn’t been us.
Not our window, our door, our home.
Not yet.

(Really, Mom and Dad, I'm not scared of Glendale anymore. I don't want these poems to freak you out, k?)

Canon is morning person.

My son Canon is almost 3 years old and there are a few things that I have learned about my boy. He likes to wear his shoes at all times, he is afraid of most Disney villains, and he is a definite morning person.

It's a Saturday and everyone is asleep. Canon shows up in my bed (on Ben's side that is usually vacant during these freelance times) and he wants me to be awake. I'm tired and I need to read my scriptures before I get out of bed. So Canon leaves. Then I hear him open the fridge, open himself a yogurt, get a spoon out of the drawer and sit at the kitchen table. He comes in a few minutes later to ask me what flavor of yogurt he has been eating (the name Lime seems to make him happy). He returns to the kitchen and I hear him clean up after himself when he is done. Yogurt in the garbage, spoon in the sink.

Keller starts to cry a little, from his bed (laying on Ben, on the couch--again, this is normal for us lately) and Ben doesn't seem to respond. So Canon goes to Keller, talks to him nicely and puts his binky in his mouth. Then Canon takes himself to the bathroom and only bothers me to help him find some underwear out of the clean laundry.

He was sweet, independent, and quiet the whole time. He whispered whenever he came to ask me something. What a cutie, right? This morning routine isn't something we've taught Canon; he's just realized that he will always be awake first and adapted, I guess. I'm proud of him and it makes me smile thinking of his cute morning. :) my Canon Peck.

Wish

I hope you all are having a really good day today and a great week. And if that's wishing for too much, I hope you have a few really wonderful moments that can make the rest worthwhile. One of my moments was watching Taesya sleep last night, and feeling how very lucky I am to have the family that I do. I wish the same happiness for each of you. Now go forth!

P.S. For any of you who read this and maybe haven't commented yet, I'd love to hear from you and know who you are. And what you think. Be brave and click that "comment" box.

Hanging this on the Fridge

In class today, I got back my paper on what financial success means to me. My teacher said, "Loved your paper. You have a great voice." I got 100% and I felt so good. I'm glad that school is going well; it's a lot of work and planning, but it makes me feel so happy to do good work. Yay.

Setting Assignment

(I wrote this from Taesya's point of view)

The garden isn’t really much of one anymore, unless you count the weeds, which are growing quite successfully. But the dirt is the best part of the garden anyways. A light dusty brown, it is packed and hardened together by the sun. The surrounding grass is much softer, an inviting space to sit while working in the earth.

Our small swimming pool is on its side, leaning against the chain link fence. Some rainwater has accumulated into a slight puddle in the grass-side of the pool. No one knows how long the water has been in the pool, but it has become a part of the yard, adjusting its temperature to whatever the weather dictates. This small pond is the key to transforming the dirt.

A few buckets scatter the yard: red, blue, and the big one is lime green. With a little rainwater and some dry dusty dirt, it is possible to create a beautiful pot of mud; deep brown and shiny, that mud teases the imagination. The aroma of wet soil is comforting and familiar as I settle down into the grass to decide what my mud and I will do today.

It's hard

Taesya is enjoying preschool but is having a tough time at home lately. She seems more emotional, tantrum-ish. She thinks she knows everything and that we're all wrong. I'm not sure what to do; I'm just hoping she'll adjust to the new routine and return to sweet Taesya.

This afternoon she got mad at me for telling her that we need to wait until dinner time to eat something. She was "crying" in the other room and I heard, "I hate my mommy." I told her that I'm sorry she feels that way, and it makes me sad to hear her say that. Now she's off playing in her bedroom, probably having forgot the whole thing, but I'm left here sort of in shock. That hurt me. I thought I had a couple more years before one of my children would express themselves in that way.

Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Haiku: This is New

Refrigerator Thief

Up to something big.
He laughs with his wry blue eyes.
What’s he done this time?


Losing Weight

Dropped another few.
Jump for joy? Praise is due—for
All day stomach flu.

Reminding Myself

Dear Amber,

You can't do everything. It's just not possible. There will always be things left undone and that is just fine. Take a deep breath and choose one thing to start with. You can write your paper, start a load of laundry, wash the dishes, write the spotlight for the Sunday program, or blow dry your hair. No, you can't just do them all really fast and finish them all simultaneously. Pick ONE to work on. Break it down into small steps if that helps. Once you finish something, realize that you've accomplished a goal. Drink a glass of juice, feel happy. You're doing a great job and I am proud of you. Repeat it a few times if you need to: I can not do everything. Nope.

Amber

The Ivory Arises

Ok, so Ivory's a stretch but you get the picture. Keller has his first tooth, which is exciting and painful at the same time. We're excited because he's that much closer to feeding himself, but we feel bad for him, as he whines and can't sleep. All in all teething is a fun time: it's like finding gold - "Honey I found another one" and the crowd cheers wooohoooo. Another chapter in the journey begins.

Kid Art

Taesya Fe Peck, age 4

Benjamin Canon Peck, age 2

Roley Poley

This one's for Ash over in NYC. My digital camera only takes teeny tiny video clips, so I'm including a bunch. Here's my little tanker rolling over. He's like a bowling ball - a really cute one! Oh, and he mostly says "da da da" lately, and makes that popping noise with his mouth.

(This blog seriously took forever to upload.)

Our little girl

Today was Taesya's first day of preschool. And my oh my, it was tough for me. But she was so ready to leave the nest. Here's my little girl before preschool.

And then after preschool.

She slept for two hours, and upon waking up, she explained, "I played for a really long time, Mama." She loves it there; and it was kind of nice to spend some time with just my boys.

*Big Thought of the Day: I will be driving my kids to and from school for about the next 16 years of my life. So I'll be what? 40?!? It's just weird to mentally fast forward that far and realize I'll still be saying, "So, how was school?" Crazy!

English 2010

I am a nerd. This morning I sat through a one-hour lecture on punctuation and I LOVED it. It's helps that my teacher is hilarious and knows lots of random history about english sayings. (graveyard shift, raining cats and dogs, holding a wake - anyone?) I think there is a difference between learning material to pass a test, and learning material to gain knowledge. I have an invested interest in grammer and punctuation because I truly enjoy writing and hope to someday be considered a "good writer." I learned a lot about commas, semicolons, dashes, and-- dun, dun, dun-- colons. Oh how I have overlooked the colon. (That probably sounds really weird.) This overwhelming desire to edit has hit me today, and I plan to attack my previous blog entries one at a time. There are so many rules I never knew, and am embarrassed to have violated. But one aspect of punctuation I can be confident about: creating emphasis. I love using commas and dashes (etc.) to pace my writing the way I like, and the way I want things to be read. Did you know punctuation originated in Shakepeare's day as a way to help actors better understand their scripts? Isn't learning sweet. I'm so excited to do better and learn more in this class!

Saw this billboard on I-80

Learning

Change - boy there is a lot I could say about this - Let's start with:

People can change. I can. I used to think I was stuck as I am, but I'm not.

Change is slow. Slower than I'd like it, for sure. But when you think back to six months ago, or read your journal from a year ago - you'll see that you've grown, or declined, even if only a little - you never stay the same.

Change is clumsy. On the path to change, we fall, we trip, we even go backwards sometimes. That's ok.

Change is scary. Most of us have a tendancy to resist change, which is cool and totally natural. But when I pay attention to the way I resist, I can ease myself into new things, new behaviors.

There is nothing so constant as change. (Especially with kids, I should add.)

*PS* Shout out to Missus O and her Dr. I just figured out who the heck you were! Thanks for following my blogged-ness.

Vacation Time

We're going camping tonight and I am way excited. Yes, I know that it will be hard, and I know my baby probably won't sleep well, and the last time Canon went camping he threw up all over the tent... but I think it will be ok. The kids love dirt and rocks and trying new things. I love spending time with Ben, and we haven't been doing a lot of that lately. So our family will sleep in a tent, sing camp songs, and have a good ole time! We never go on "vacations" so this is going to be a nice change for us. Yay!

Updates:

Canon says, "I really like throwing rocks in the water. I like sleeping in the tent. I like eating food at the camping. I ate cereal with no milk." (He spilled his milk onto my sleeping bag.)

Tae says, "I liked playing with the sticks in the sand. I liked eating, too, also those marshmallows and that cereal. And also I like throwing rocks in the pool of water. It was so nice for mom and dad to let me roast marshmallows. And I also liked getting my feet washed from Mom. I liked playing right in the water and getting that drink and putting my big stick in the water. I liked it."

Ben, "Camping was awesome. There was a very cool small river next to us. We saw a very cool awesome camper charred by fire on the side of the highway. The kids played in the water and had a fun time. Keller got handfuls of sand to smoosh together. Nice campfire where the kids roasted marshmallows by themselves, and had lots of fun."

And I would like to add that we really liked camping at Jordenelle State Park. They had bathrooms, a playground, water spigots, showers - pretty nice place and cheap. The resevoir was beautiful and I enjoyed listening to the waves, as the kids played with rocks. We're planning to go back in a month or so. It took for-e-ver to get up there because of an accidents that held up traffic in a big way. Once we were there it was nice, and I felt a lot of love for my kiddos. It was super cold at night, and Canon did give us another throw-up scare (no actual yuck involved.) But overall I am glad we went. I like camping with my family.

Like beating my head against a wall

I just wanted to go on a little walk around the block with my kids. We have to survive until Ben gets home at 6:30, so I'm trying anything that will take up some time. Taesya wanted to ride the tiny bicycle we have and the boys were in our wagon. We passed exactly one house before Taesya's "leading" turned to a stop. There are two large dogs that live at the corner house and Tae didn't dare pass them.

"Taesya, the dogs are behind a fence. They can't get you, right?"

"Right, Mom," she says as she moves her bike onto the grass to get as far away from the fence as possible.

I explained, I persuaded, and then I gave up and passed her. So I'm pulling the boys, the dogs are playfully barking and jumping behind their fence, and Taesya is screaming behind me. Her bike (obviously) won't ride very fast on the grass parking strip, and the sidewalk is out of the question... Oh my, I had had it!

Somehow we got passed that corner house, with Keller and Taesya in tears, and me left wondering at the minds of children. Is it possible to teach children that dogs cannot run through fences? Canon seemed just fine; maybe he can have a talk with his brother and sister. (Sigh) and now my head really hurts.

:)

Come back to me

My little sister, Ashley, moved away yesterday. She and her husband are going to live in New York while he attends medical school. It's a new experience for me to have someone so close to me move so far away. The kids and I were going to stop by to see her before they headed out, but we were too late. And then it hit me, really hard, that I'm going to miss Ashley.

I made myself run an errand and then I sort of drove aimlessly around Salt Lake. I felt empty-ish and sad. The kids were very good, letting me drive off some steam. It wasn't until a David Cook song came onto the radio that I began to cry. All this time, knowing about the move, I've thought of Ashley's perspective and how I think it will all be ok. Yesterday I started to think, "Will I be ok?"

I hope Ashley knows how much we all love her. And how lots of people were thinking of her all day yesterday. Can't wait to see you again, Ash. Love you lots.

Comments

Thanks so much to everyone who comments on my blog (and to any of you who don't, feel free to begin.) The problem with my new blog template is that the comments button for each entry is located above the blog post. I know it's crazy, but that's the way it's built. So if you comment in the future, try to remember to click above, k? Either way, I love to hear what y'all have to say. Love!

Picky

After I publish a blog post, I usually go in and edit it 4 or 5 times as quickly as I can, before anyone else reads my typos. And when I can't word a story just right, to create the effect that I want, it bugs me for a long time. Need to chill a bit.

Good mornin', good mornin'

I remember waking up to Kalie's beautiful voice singing that song at Girl's Camp in the Uintah Mountains. She is an unbelievably perky person in the morning and she was kind enough to share her cheer with us bums. (Not until later did I learn where the song came from, a fantastic musical called "Singin' In the Rain.") My little sister is at that same girl's camp today. we call it Piuta, and I hope she's having a good morning. And that she has great friends there, like Kalie Casselman and Savannah Spackman were to me. Girl's Camp is awesome and I know Court will love it this year. Good times.

I had a wonderful morning today! The kids and I went to Murray Park and went on an invigorating walk around the VitaCourse trail. The kids had so much fun that they volunteered for another loop. We took a small break in the middle and the kids played in some sand, drawing pictures with sticks. I sat on a rock and Keller slept in the stroller. It was nice to watch the trees moving, and breathe in the cool shady air. I felt grateful. For my day, for my kids, for legs than can walk, for my life.

Taesya and Canon played at the park after that. And then I took them to get some lunch. We were going to pick up some Rumbi Island Grill to bring home, but Canon really wanted to eat in the "restront." I don't go out to eat with the kids unless Ben is there, generally, but I gave it a shot today. We all split a yummy pork rice bowl with Teriyaki sauce and veggies. Keller even ate some of the rice. There was a cool moment at Rumbi when we were all happily eating together. The kids started dancing in their seats to the background music, shaking their bums and smiling at stranger; Keller started to bounce up and down, too, as he watched his siblings. I looked at them all and felt really happy. How could anyone not feel joy watch three tiny children doing the lunchtime dance? My kids are fun and I love them a ton.

Driving home, I realized that things are getting happier in my life. We are operating two or three notches higher than we were 6 months ago. And overall, I'm feeling better. Even optimistic, ambitious. It might sound like no big deal, but people, this is HUGE.

I had a great morning. I hope yours was equally as pleasant. "Good mornin', good mornin' to you!"

My view

Do not rent the movie "Knowing." Seriously. It was a lot scarier than we thought it would be and then the whole thing turns "spiritual," I guess. I wish I hadn't wasted those two hours.

"Time for school, time for school!"

Fall is coming again and I am heading back to school. This will be the third semester I've taken from WSU and after December, I will be the proud owner of an Associates Degree. I'm excited about it, and glad to go back. But at the same time ---

I am full of butterflies as I look at scheduling, and all the driving, and wondering when I'll fit in the homework, and I haven't really taken three classes together since Taesya was a baby... Anxiety and I are pretty well acquainted lately and he's just having a hay day with this one. So I turned off the computer monitor and Ben talked me off my ledge of stress. My heart was kind of racing and my brain felt like it was filled with rocks. I'm the one in our relationship who thinks of all that could possibly go wrong, while Ben is the one who thinks things will work out just fine. He's such an optimistic, calm person. He brings balance to my brains.

School's good, right? And I'm glad to go back. I do love the feeling of those A's, after I've worked really hard. A = Accomplishment! So take a few deep breaths and listen very hard to Ben, "Everything's going to be ok."

Cold things

We ate popsicles just a second ago; it was enjoyable. Keller gets really excited when he sees us eating, and he wanted that popsicle BAD. So I let him suck on an orange one, but no, HE wanted to hold it himself. So my 6 month old ate an entire orange popsicle all by himself. And it was hi-lar-ious! He got so frusterated when the stick started poking out the top, and he'd cry until I fixed it. He is a boy who knows what he wants. It's funny to see him so happy with something and also so mad at it - at the same time. Cute stuff.

P.S. Ben and I have both decided that we are so done with summer. We are ready for it to cool down now. Ready ready.

Pilates of the Carribean

Let me introduce you to the new me:

"Hi, I'm Amber. I am an active and energetic mom."

At least that's the goal. I've started exercising! I've always felt that my life is physically strenuous, lifting kids, laundry, running around, playing, getting up and down and up and down to change diapers and pick up the house - but no, I was never a consistent exerciser. That ended a week and a half ago.

I'm working out 5 times a week now. Five different types of work outs, and at various times of day. I'm just doing what fits my life right. Last night, though, was Pilates class at our Community Center. My very first time and it - was - interesting. Pilates' main focus is on the lower abdominal muscles, and let's just say that after 3 pregnancies in 5 years - I don't really have any kind of muscles in that area. It was a good class and I will definately go back, but I have a long long way to go. My abs don't exactly hurt today, they're more confused, I think, and disoriented. Hah, this is so new territory for me!

But here I am, blazing the trail toward the new me. And soon, I'll be running circles around these kids. Woo hoo.

Negative Self Image

Our blog needs a new template, badly. Obviously this attempt was .... not good. Poor blog. I will fix you soon.

Taking a siesta of sorts

I'm in a blog shlump. I try to think of things to write, but it always sort of comes out, "Crazy, buzy life... so tired.... kids making messes... blah blah blah." So I think I'll spare y'all that lame-ness.

But hey, just know that I'm alive and we're plugging along through life. Ben's doing his best to keep the lawn alive, Kel's doing his best to sit (rather than lay,) and the dynamic duo are doing just fine. (And by "doing just fine" of course I mean hugging, wrestling, and blowing bubbles occasionally.) You'll be the first to know when my brain gets a little more interesting, k? Loves.

Words

Have you ever noticed how similar the words "tickle" and "tackle" are. And yet they have very different meanings. I wonder if any sports reporter has ever mixed up the two by mistake. Imagine:

"McDoogle was just no match for Condolee's speed last night. As McD barrelled toward the end zone, only inches from his touchdown, Condolee came out of nowhere and tickled him from behind. That tickle lost the Chihuahua's their championship ring. What a game, folks. What a game."

Just a little word fun. Also, have you ever been so tired that it actually becomes tiring to be that tired? Whoo, I am.

Feeling Sluggish

I am so tired and unmotivated today. There's a lot to do, though. What I'd like, I think, is to stay in my comfy jammies all day, watch PBS with my kids, and eat ice cream cake. Maybe not all day, but definately for a while. I just feel a little sluggish today. OK, a LOT sluggish. Keller is hollering from his crib cuz he's awake now. So - - - The End.

Help! (Blogger users)

I have had the most frusterating time with posting pictures on this blog.  Whenever I try to upload a portrait, rather than a landscape, type picture, blogger turns it on it's side.  Actually I don't know if it's Blogger or my Mac or what...

But the point is that it sucks and I need help somehow.  Anyone have any ideas, or know someone who might.  Ben's got no new ideas.  Meanwhile, here is Canon's new hat, sideways:

"Because I'm growing and so are You"

My son, Canon is growing up so fast lately.  We weaned him off his binky in April (using the binky fairy technique, which has a 2 for 2 success rate in our home.)  Soon afterward he stopped needing his puppy or blanket to sleep.  And last night when I offered him his blanket, he said that it was too small for him now.  A piece of me is sad that my little boy no longer carries around his puppy, but it's probably a necessary step.  He can't very well bring his puppy to his college classes, can he.

He's speaking so well, too.  He can communicate what he wants, what injustice Taesya has committed, and how he is feeling.  

And the newest "big boy" step is just beginning today.  We're starting the process of Potty Training.  We went to Target last night and bought Canon some underpants, which he is so excited about.  He picked Cars, Diego, and Ironman ones.  He has a chart to work his way towards a new baseball hat.  After sitting on the toilet about 15 times since last night, he's gone pee pee a total of one time.  (And twice in his underwear.)  We're going to stick with diapers at night, but strictly underpants all day long.  So obviously, we're going to be sticking around the house this week as much as possible.  (I remember when we were training Tae, she made a rather large yellow puddle in Bowman's grocery store.)

But he's excited to be growing up and I'm excited for him.  Canon is such a sweet and loving boy.  And I hope through all this I can teach him to be proud of himself and his accomplishments.  I love my kids.  :)

(The title is from a Barney song)

Umm... Yuck.

Found: Unidentified blob of something

Location: On top of the toy cupboard

Description:  Gooey but hardened around the edges.  Roundish and there are teeth marks around the outside... Almost like when bread gets stuck on the roof of your...

Results of Investigation:  Yeah, gotta be from the top of a child mouth.  Looks kindof odd though - specks in it - Oh, and we had banana bread a few hours ago - there you have it!  Should I leave it there?  I don't want to touch it...

The joys of being a mother.  And I would just like to add: Yuck yucky yuck.

Notes:

1.  Stake Conference is so so so difficult with small children.  What an exhausting test of strength and patience; and what a relief when it is over.

2.  Jell-O smells so good.  I'm thinking of making a blue and red jell-o perfume.  MMmmm.

3.  Taesya is four years old and when she is asleep, she is a very heavy 36 lbs of dead weight.  Oof, I carried her out of the car tonight and thoroughly appreciated Ben's muscles.  

4.  Ben is going camping for four days and I am nerrrvous.  So any emails, call, comments, visits from Wednesday to Saturday would be cherished and appreciated.  Comments such as, "Keep breathing, the end is near," or, "Just think of your rewards in heaven..."  That sort of thing; thanks.  

Caught

My daughter's getting smart. If she wants to play on the computer, I make her do her "chores" first. (get dressed, brush hair, brush teeth, make bed.) Today she points out, "You haven't done YOUR chores yet, Mom." And she does have a very good point there...

Passing through Sorrow

At the end of day, I'm feeling hopeful. This is a big change for me. I don't want to make a big deal out of posting this; but I think that not saying anything only adds to the many misconceptions that exist. People don't talk about depression, it's like some big secret.  And that's silly.  Since Keller was born, I've been struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety. It's a really crummy thing to go through, but I'm doing my darndest to make things better again.

I'm asking for the help I need.  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. It's sometimes hard to accept help, so it's important to remember that there is a time and a season for all things; there will be times when you can help and other times that you need the helping. I am so glad for all the help I receive every day.  

I'm learning that change takes time. Depression is not something I want to struggle with, and if it was up to me, I'd be "normal" again by now. But I've made tons of progress and I can see how far I've come.

On that note, it's important to give yourself credit for the good things you do. It's really impossible to be happy when your head is full of negative thoughts.  I've been learning that I am a good mother and a great individual; I accomplish a lot, and I should be proud of myself.

There's more to say, but I don't want to make this a soap box. This is just something I'm going through and to post every day without mentioning it seems like a lie.  Depression is tough, and I don't think that anyone would ever choose to suffer this way. Everybody gets a different set of tests and trials in this life; this is one of mine.  Ben and the kids are the reason I'm working so hard to get better. I love them more than anything.  

I truly believe that I will be a stronger person at the end of this. Slowly but surely.  Like I said, I'm feeling hopeful. And that's a pretty sweet way to feel.

Cute

Canon wants a band aid to put on his "spaquito bite."  

Cameron

Today my little brother, Cameron, is twenty.  That's crazy cuz I still think of him as a high school kid.  He's in Canada right now, serving a mission, and he's half-way done.  Day to day, I don't really think about Cameron a lot.  I check the blog that my parents set up and I try to remind my kids about "Uncle Cameron," but I'm not quite as connected to Cam as maybe I should be.

But today is his birthday and I miss him.  Cameron is quite the eater and today he should be scarfing down Taco Time and some funny ice cream cake that Mom and Courtney picked to tease him.  (Like High School Musical or Hannah Montana.)  The birthday clown would be sitting on the fireplace, and it probably is.  I wish I could see Cam's  happy face.  He's a really sweet kid and he always lets us know how much he loves us.  I love Cameron.

So,  Happy Birthday, Cam Bam.  You are one special guy.  And at least for today, I'm thinking about you tons and tons.