Gimmee a Break

Starting today, I hereby give myself permission to forget things, and lose things, and not beat myself up about it. It is entirely too much to expect of myself to think that I can remember everything and know where everything is. With such impossible standards, I am bound to fail and to feel like a failure. So the bar has been lowered. I'm human and am now allowed to be imperfect.

So if my brain is full of a list, and the list gets lost - no one will die; I am ok. And if I still have no idea where our park blanket has gone, I will take a deep breath and realize that the world is still turning. I am off the hook, free to forget, and no longer under intense pressure. Sometimes I expect WAY too much of myself. I'd rather feel WAY better about myself.

I'm responsible and smart, pretty organized, and I have a good memory. But I do forget things and lose things - s'ok!

Birthday birthday - Coming to Earth day

Good good birthday:

Finished my paper this morning.
Donated blood for the first time.
Picked out a really cute coat with my mama.
Lunch with parents at the Olive Garden - Yumma.
Taesya made me a birthday card at preschool.
Lots of calls and shout outs from great people.
Nap in my bed.
Dancing to a new CD with my kiddos and Ben.
Delicioso bday cake (I picked Lemon Creme, by the way.)
Ben did all the cooking today.

Just lots of smiles all around - Good Times, people. I love birthdays.

Aaaghh!

It's 10 o'clock at night and I just got home from class. I'm looking through the piles of paper strewn about our desk, and suddenly realizing the many things I have forgotten to do. Ben's on the computer most of the time lately (now that he is working from home) and I don't really get a chance to (a) put receipts into the checkbook, (b) pay the citation I received for having a headlight out, (c) file the "This is not a Bill" papers I get from Select Health, (d) fill out a new health insurance application before the month runs out, (e) return emails to people.... Aaaghh!

It's not really the best time to make mental lists and stress, right? So I'm going to tell my brain to chill and go get my pajamas on. I have a paper to write, bright and early tomorrow morning; I need my rest. If a brain really had enough going on at one time, could it cause damage? I know explosion probably isn't realistic, but I do worry that I might bruise my short-term memory or something. Anyways, it's late and I may not be making sense.....

Big big sigh.

Falling

At the farmer's market the other day, I picked this beautiful print from a local photographer. Ben bought it for me for my birthday--don't worry, i'm not cheating, it's waiting in the closet until the actual day. I just fell in love because it's so simple and so Fall. Mmmm.

Check out NekoPhoto.com - He is a talented guy.

Someday you'll all being buying photos from me! A girl can dream, right?

Health Insurance Drama

DE-nied by Select Health because of my postpartum depression. They automatically deny new applications for anyone with an unresolved condition. So until I'm off medication and done going to therapy, I am a liability. Are we the only people who think this is wrong?

So we called Regence and odds look better there. Send another application, make a billion phone calls, and wait - hopefully to be accepted this time. It's a weird feeling to have someone tell me that they will accept my husband and my children but not me, because of something that was never my fault. I didn't choose to be sick.

Feeling a huge sense of injustice this morning.

Lost in Translation

We were driving through the mess of construction up in Sugarhouse today. I was getting annoyed and wondering how many more orange cones the earth can really hold, when Canon randomly shouted, "Taking drugs!"

What?! I thought to myself, Where in the world did he hear that?

Following the blinking lighted arrows to merge onto I-80, I was really perplexed by Canon's enthusiastic outburst. But slowly the translation became clear, Canon hadn't been talking about drugs at all. He had been excited about the "Digging trucks!" Boy I felt silly - Sigh of relief and a little bit of laughter.

Growing pains

Taesya says school was "kind of bad" today "because the other kids wouldn't play with" her. So she was sad and "teacher Sini talked to me when I was sad." "But I was still sad," she sad. :(

It's hard to know that I can't make the other kids play with Tae. She's such a great girl, I want to tell them. But my girl is growing up and she has to face these things on her own. I'm glad her teacher was there to help. But her little story was tough for me to hear.

Another person I'd really like to stick up for is Ben. His last employer owes us a bunch of money and I don't really see that money showing up any time soon. Ben's trying to figure out how to deal with the whole thing in a positive way, while I'd just rather call the guy up and yell at him. Yeah, my office skills are a little rusty. I can't solve this for Ben, I can just support him along the way. Life is tough, people.

All you need is Love

Conference has been amazing. It was really what our family needed: a special time to focus on spiritual things. Lately I have been asking Heavenly Father to help our family to grow closer to Him, and to help us feel his influence more fully in our lives. I feel like this is happening for us and it makes me so glad. Feeling the presence of the Spirit lifts me up, and lets me know that hard things have an end, and that we are not alone.

Today I feel so grateful for my husband and my children. Being a parent is grueling at times, but I love those kids so much. We are buddies, and partners, and loveys, and sometimes I almost squeeze them to death because they are so adorable. They are growing up too fast; I will really miss it when Keller stops talking baby jabber. We have such great conversations together. And we discovered in the car yesterday that Taesya knows how to add (don't ask ME, I so did not teach her that). She told us that 4 and 5 make 9, and that 5 and 5 make 10. We were shocked! Slow down, Tae, stay little for a bit longer. Canon's maturing as well; he rolled his eyes at Ben today. Where on earth did he learn that from? (Ok, that one was probably me.)

Scrolling through photos today, I found the ones from the day Keller was born. It melted my heart to look at that little face and realize how much he's grown. That's my baby, and I want him to stay a baby. So I looked up the other two; those three little people are so much a part of who I am. They are 90% of my thoughts, 98% of my day, and an unremovable portion of my heart. I love the people that they are; I see all the good that they have in them. And when they tell me that they love me, regardless of whatever I've done wrong that day, and they snuggle up next to me--I feel so content and fulfilled. Being a mother can be remarkable sometimes. I have Heavenly Father to thank.

Taesya - April 2005

Canon - October 2006

Keller - January 2009

Better

Today is going really well. It's a good mix of chores, playing, exercise, and going with the flow. I love my kids.

Invisible Mother

(I read this a long time ago and saved it on my computer. It's a great analogy for me to think about.)

"It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the
phone?' Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.' I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was Almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a Disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women."