Listening and Seeing

I had a moment of clarity yesterday.  In Sacrament Meeting, as I listened to the hymn and watched my three children coloring with crayons, I felt very calm and happy.  It was like things came into focus, literally, and I could see each of my children more clearly.  I rubbed Canon's back a little and felt in my mind the words, "This is where I am supposed to be."    

Not good

I'm a big pregnant jerk.  I'm just overflowing with grumpiness and it's spilling over onto those around me.  This morning's victim was Benjamin.  He's probably thrilled to be at work now, surrounded by men.

Keller wants me to hold him all the time lately.  I can't.  And I can't just be ok with him climbing all over my stomach, elbowing the baby.  But still he follows me from room to room, and I have to tell him no again and again.  It makes me feel like a big pregnant jerk.

Today I am going to try to work on laundry and maybe make the dessert that Canon requested.  There are a lot of "To Do"s bouncing around in my head.  Mostly, though, I think I should just focus on not biting anyone else's head of.  I'll still be big and pregnant, but maybe less of a jerk.

Fake Labor Story

It was almost time to pick up the kids from school and I was kinda dreading it.  It's just a lot of work for me, physically.  Keller and I needed our shoes on, but as I set Keller on the couch to begin, he got mad.  Don't really understand why, but he decided it was a really good time for a tantrum.  So I left him to get my own jacket and footwear.  Time was ticking, though, so I had to get him ready.  If it wasn't so freezing outside I would have just left him barefooted.  Bummer.

So I wrestled a crying, kicking Keller into the van.  As I buckled him into his seat, a really painful contraction took my breath away and I had to stop for a minute.  I closed his door and hobbled over to my side.  The two minute drive to the Elementary was fine, Keller sucked on his binky and calmed down.  We found a parking spot and I turned off the engine.  But trying to get the stroller out of the trunk was tough, my stomach hurt, and I needed to use the bathroom.

The wind blew my scarf off.  I bent down to pick it up and felt another sharp ache.  There's no way I'm going into labor right now, I thought.  My cell phone wasn't even charged.

Kel and I made it inside, slowly, and I signed Canon out of his pre-K class.  His teacher looked concerned; she's a really sweet lady and she always notices how I'm feeling.  She offered to get Taesya from her class, while Canon's other teacher stayed with the class.  I sat on the rotunda steps and breathed as deeply as I could.  Keller was strapped into his stroller and Canon stayed by me.  When Sini (Canon's teacher) returned with Tae, I asked her if she could call Ben.

It was the craziest situation and there were kids everywhere, but I did my best to just handle the contractions.  "When are we going home?" Canon asked.  "Soon, buddy," I replied.  Oh man, I wanted to get out of there so bad.  I mean, who goes into labor at their kids' school?!?  It felt like forever, but finally Benny came...

*This story is fictional.  While I'm waiting for Jovie to come, I imagine up all kinds of labor situations (not on purpose) and I thought maybe I'd write them up.*

*Update: I wrote this right before I went to pick up the kids for real and it made things seem so much easier than they usually are.  I guess if something in life is hard, but then you picture yourself doing that thing while in labor, it makes real life seem like a piece of cake.  Interesting.*

Just a letter

Dear Jovie,

Hey, remember me?  I'm that voice you hear all day.  I know usually I'm telling your siblings to stop being naughty, or I'm complaining about the mess, or telling Daddy how much things hurt.  But I hope you hear those times when I'm being nice, too.  I'm a nice mommy, I promise.  I love everyone in this family and I will love you so much, too.

Is it cozy in there?  Are you warm and snug?  I don't want to make you leave somewhere comfortable; I know how rare a feeling that can be.  But I sure am excited to see you.  And I know Daddy wants his turn to hold his little girl.  Being pregnant has been hard on the both of us, but we really try to think of what a beautiful baby you will be.  Having you in our arms will be the greatest thing.

You have a big sister and two big brothers.  They're really fun kids, once you get used to how noisy they are.  But hey, you've been listening to them for months now, so you should be fine.  They give lots of hugs and kisses; that's just the way we are in this family.  You get to sleep in Taesya's room and hopefully you two girls will become very good friends.

I love you, Jovie.  I'm doing my best taking care of you.  I sure would like to see you, though.  As soon as you're ready; the very second that you are.  You're going to be a very special member of this family and you will do great things on this earth.  I can tell already that you're a blessing, that you will touch lives.  I can't wait to see all you will become, my sweet little Jovie.

Momma loves you so much,
XOXO

I am Strong

I am strong and brave and I can get through tough times.  What are you?

Shamelessly Proud

I know it's bragging and some people might find it annoying... but my daughter is an adorable genius, and that's really all there is to it.  I love that she's confident and she's so into reading; Ben and I are amazed on a daily basis by these children.  Tae is rocking Kindergarten -- and that is an adorable giraffe.

Tae got to feed bread to a real giraffe.

October's Close

Canon turned four this week.  Rather than guilt myself into writing an entire post about my son, I would just like to mention that Canon is really great.  He's the toughest boy I know with the softest heart.  I'm glad he's mine.

Also, I am going to have an awesome day with my witch, ghost, cowboy, and marshmallow.  Oh, and my good friend Chocolate.  :)

Vampire Cowboy?

Trick or Treating at Benny's Office

Car Quotes

1.  As usual, we were in the car, and Canon was telling Keller how to write a letter O.  "Over, around, and close," he told him.  But when Keller tried to repeat it back, incorrectly, Canon got frustrated.  "You ruined my appetitie, Keller!"

2.  Dancing and Singing in the car, the kids really like Enrique Iglesias' "Baby, I like it."  They were all jamming out.  Then "Tonight's Gunna Be a Good Night" by The Black Eyed Peas came on.  I could hear Tae singing.  Then she really got into Fergie's solo and exclaimed, "Oh yeah, girl!"  I laughed out loud.

My kids must say funny things at home, but I never remember them to tell other people.

Side Note:

Can I just say that formatting in Blogger makes me want to pull my hair out!  The post I just added appears in my "Compose" window to be all Times font, normal size; but that's not what appears when I publish.  Ben says Wordpress is better and he has plans to design me a custom site (since I am technically married to a web designer) but I worry that blogging will always be a formatting headache for me.

Pictures, too.  The three pictures of my kids appeared in one horizontal line before I published.  Sigh.  Does anyone else have these troubles?  Or am I just too picky?

The Early Bird

This morning, I am choosing to blog.  It wasn't a tough choice, since sleeping was becoming impossibly painful, and my prenatal yoga DVD is lost.  So, good morning!  I am pleased to report that there is no snow on the grass, unlike yesterday.  When Ben informed me of that unfortunate precipitation, my heart fell.  Fall just can't be leaving me that fast.  

But my boys were excited.  And I dutifully bundled them and sent them out to explore.  Lacy, as well, seemed super curious about this new wet stuff in our yard.

 

By the afternoon, the sunshine was back and the sidewalks were dry.  I got to enjoy a little more autumn loveliness as I picked up my kiddos from school.  Speaking of kiddos:

It feels like Keller and I are always in the car lately.  We make a lot of trips to the elementary school for drop-offs and pick-ups.  It's gotten so I just smoosh the two older kids names together now and tell Keller, "Let's go in the car to get TaeCanon (or CanTaesya.)"  "Go Car," he says, "CanTaesya school."  He and I are always always together.  So it's a nice change when he has a happy day, rather than a crying/tired day.  When he's not throwing a tantrum, that little boy can sure be cute.

It's good for me to take pictures of the smiley moments in life.  When I post these images, I remember how much I love my kids.  I forget about being oh so very pregnant, for a little while.  The happy times in motherhood can sometimes be few and far between, but if you look, you'll see that they are there.  I have photographic evidence.

Still a half an hour till the fam wakes up.  I was thinking of reading about the pre-existence today.  Hope your day is great, or that you find at least a moment of greatness to hang on to.

Lovely song about Love

"Marry Me" by Train

Makes me happy and smiley about that guy, Benjamin.  

And then HE said...

1.  Driving in the car, where most interesting conversations happen, "Dad wears glasses so he can see.  When he takes off his glasses, everything turns invisible."

2.  Canon points his Nerf ball-gun at his brother, "Try to kill me, Keller."  Very boy.

3.  Keller is playing quiety, and then I hear, "Buckle up for safety, buckle up."  Glad to know he's listening when we get into the car each day.

Tender mercies

Tonight I wanted to do a little scrapbooking of Jovie's ultrasound photos.  Ben and I watched an episode of Chuck on hulu while I worked.  I did ok for a little while, but then my back felt the all-too-familiar pain of sitting in a chair.  Lately it seems that I can't sit, stand, or walk without pain and discomfort of many kinds.

It frustrated me that I am capable of so little, physically, right now.  I can't bend down to take good photos of my kids, I can't walk around Target and enjoy shopping, I can't sit in a chair without crying inwardly about the ache in my back.  It's really hard for me that I can't do these things; I miss having a body that is functional in the ways that I am used to.

I'm down to one pair of pajama pants that still fit me.  The second to last pair ripped right down the middle, which always makes you feel super attractive and good about yourself.  So my only remaining pair is in the wash with muddy dog prints on it/them (not sure.)

So I was sitting on the couch, crying about my physical limits, and wishing I had pajamas to wear.  A thought popped into my head to try on some of Ben's.  He has this one pair of pj pants that someone gave him for Christmas years and years ago, a bajillion sizes too big, but we never got rid of --- I pulled them out and as I put them on you could almost hear the angels singing.  I have a brand new pair of flannel pajama pants to wear tonight and the phrase that comes to mind is "tender mercies."

I'm reminded that although my body is not excelling in a lot of areas, it is doing something amazing right now.  It is a functional and good body.  While I feel this pain and ache and exhaustion, a tiny new body is being formed.  I guess that I'm giving up my ability to walk in comfort so that Jovie can have the ability to run someday.  My body is doing great.  I'm grateful for what it can do.

Heavenly Father is mindful of us.  He cares about our lives and even small things like whether or not we have pajamas to sleep in.  I feel super blessed tonight.

Am I growing?

These two pictures are a month apart.  Do I look one month closer to holding my baby girl?  

Taesya's Kindergarten teacher, who I see every single day, didn't realize I was pregnant until Taesya told her last week.  Granted, the lady's a little busy... but I'm pretty sure anyone who looks at me... Don't you think?

We took a tour of the hospital we will be delivering at.  And I made some lists and plans; I called to pre-register for the birth.  I actually feel a lot better about things this week.  I'm not as nervous about Jovie coming.  I can see a baby at the end of all this--a really pretty one.

Darndest

Taeysa, in the tub, as her bathwater is getting cold: "Umm, Dad, we have a situation here."

Tae and Cano in the Paper Today

Read the article Here.

Beauty all around

Things that make my heart melt into a big puddle of goo:

1.  That look my dog gives me through the fence, as I drive away and leave her at home.  "I love you," I say, "I'll be back."

Cutey Lacey

2.  My children's adorable sleeping faces.  And the interesting positions they sleep in; Taesya has always been one for hanging halfway off the bed, while Keller prefers to stick his butt in the air.

Keller at the Peck reunion.

3.  Sweaters and tiny corduroy dresses at Old Navy in fall colors.  Just imaging my new little daughter all snug in comfy clothes makes me very joyful.

I bought this dress for Jovie.

My Mom borrowed my Keller for the day and I was so glad.  What does a young mother do when her youngest is missing?  She does her hair and makeup!  I actually took the time to make myself look nice and boy oh boy, I felt pretty as I dropped my son off at Pre-K.  One question, though, for all you regular make-up wearers out there: do you just learn to never touch your face during the day, or what?  I go to rub my eyes or something and then say, "Dang it, I forgot I had make-up on."  Is there some magical way to rub your eyes or scratch your face that I need to learn?  I know I sound silly, but I'm really quite a novice at the make-up thing.

I filled up my van's gas tank yesterday and I realized something quirky about myself.  For once I actually filled the tank up to Full, which sounds like the normal thing to do, I know.  But I guess I usually stop it early, because it's hot outside, or the gas is pumping slow, or I don't have that much money in my budget.  So I got back into my car and started driving to the grocery store with my childrens.  I glanced at my gas gauge and it bugged me a little.  Why?  It was on Full.  Like all the way Full.  "Why does that bug me?" I pondered.  "Am I a weirdo or something?"  

Minutes later, I decided it's a cash flow thing.  When that amount of gas is sitting in my car, I no longer have access to that money.  I can't decide to spend $20 of that on something else that I might need more.  A Full gas tank feels like I'm driving around with a car full of money, money that's stuck and I can't get.  

Sounds totally strange.  I don't drive a lot, really, as far as distance goes.  So I can make a third of a tank last a week usually.  And if I need milk or bread, I'd rather that money be in my checking account, rather than my gas tank.  I'm quirky, so sue me.

Ben is quirky, too.  He has a pillow, but he doesn't sleep on it.  I've been awake often at night and I shake my head as I see his pillow propped up against the headboard, with him flat on his stomach or back, arms spread wide at his sides.  "Why do you have a pillow?" I wonder to him.

This has been kind of longish.  Hope I didn't bore you too much.  It's been a good day.  If you want to comment and share something that makes your heart melt into a big puddle, I would love to hear.  

Loudy loudness

I need to blog, but I am hesitant to do so.  Why?  Because life is full of crying and it's wearing on me.  So if you don't want to hear about small people who cry at me, please discontinue reading.

I spend the majority of my day with my two little boys and they seem to be constantly unhappy with the job I am doing as a mother.  Canon, thankfully, has only one real source of complaint: he is always hungry.  So our relationship consists of, "Mom, can I have something?" and "No, Canon, you just had breakfast."  Then the "crying" ensues.  It's phony, whiney crying.  I don't like it.

I can't really put my finger on Keller's reasons for grief; there are so many.  It's a tough phase of life, I've been told, because he's learning to communicate and is struggling when he can't find the words he needs.  Most things are out of his control and that makes him upset.  But truly, Keller cries 70% of each day.  He cries because he's constantly bumping into things as he runs to and fro; he cries because his older siblings exclude and pick on him; and he cries because Mom just doesn't understand what he needs right when he needs it.

It's difficult to feel successful and happy right now.  Because every time I turn around, someone is giving me a bad review.  I wish I didn't care so much, was impervious to their critiques -- my skin is not thick enough for this job some days.

Weeks like these make me really grateful for my dog.  It's nice that if she's fed and has had a walk, she is quiet and content with life.  Good girl, Lace.

My favorite song: Bruno Mars "Just the Way You Are"

This song makes me think of Ben, who is in love with me, and it baffles my mind.  This week he's working an insane amount of hours and I miss him.  So it's good for me to remember that I have a sweetheart who adores me, despite my most convincing arguments.


Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I'll say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are


Listen to the song here.  Makes me smile.

Quotey

"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on."

- Carl Sandburg